Who is Shamal?

We call him Shamal because we have a Shamal. He might just as well be a Dimitri from Bulgaria, a Nelu from Romania or an Ivan from Lithuania. What they have in common is that they live in Greater London; they have an easy job and lots of time to stay home. Shamal might have a girlfriend or not. My Shamal has one. As I have not lived in a shared house with a single Shamal, I will talk about Shamal in a relationship.

Shamal is happy. He will never bother about anything else more than food, and he will never look for a better paid job, as long as this one is not stressful and allows him to sit around the house and do nothing most of the days of the week.

Why do we like Shamal?

We like Shamal because he is always funny. Whether he talks about food (and he can surely cook), or about preparing a hookah, he knows it all. He puts such passion when he talks that he makes you laugh with his Borat style. Even Dimitri from Bulgaria and Nelu from Romania can act in the Borat style. But let’s get back to Shamal. He even knows some politics, he is never interested about sports, and even if he has three bicycles, he rarely uses one.

We like Shamal because he will always tell you his culinary secrets, he will gladly offer you a part of his delicious stake, and because he always smiles when he asks you ‘You’arr’ght, Yeah?’ He also expects you to ask him back, so he could tell you the same thing. Which is kind of polite, but a little annoying and boring.

Why we don’t like Shamal?

We don’t like Shamal for many other reasons. First of all, the cooking speed of Shamal is incredible. He can actually make a rice with sauce and steak (don’t ask me about the sauce, I just put cheese on stuff), and eat it while he makes the soup. He eats while putting a chicken in the oven, which they eat after. I don’t know exactly how much he eats. But I think most of the food is devoured by Shamal.

We don’t like that Shamal finds it perfectly normal to leave the sink full of dirty dishes, or the food of the cat outside for days to rotten, but when you come with a few friends at six o’clock in the morning to have a coffee for one hour, he wakes up to shout about it.

We don’t like Shamal because he acts like a pussy the next day by telling all the other people in the house about your little ‘outburst’, but when you (the guilty one) come into the kitchen he just gives you the same ‘You’arr’ght, Yeah?’.

We don’t like Shamal because he comes at two a clock in the morning at home drunk, and he finds it perfectly acceptable not to flush the toilet after puking and shitting in it. After that, he continues the symphony in his room, with his girlfriend holding him by his belly. We have a somewhat clean and long garden with many perfectly acceptable vomitoriums.

  

Advices for Shamal

Don’t get me wrong here; we’ve all been through that. But as a sign of respect for your girlfriend, who might also be drunk, try to leave all you have in you at the bathroom. It might take a little longer, but who knows? Maybe you will get a nice fuck after. If you are drunk enough not to be able to do that, well, in my opinion, you are perfectly lame.

How could Shamal solve the problem?

I realize living in a shared house is cheap and convenient. I realize that at 25 or something, you want to spend money on some other things than rent. But at some point, moving into a one-bedroom or even in a lousy studio is the minimum sacrifice that you can do for your girlfriend. You can’t afford that? Liar. For two minimum wages, you can get a perfectly decent place in zone 5 or 6. Make the sacrifice and wake up a little earlier for that.  

How could I solve the problem?

Unfortunately, I was still not able to find the dumb girl to hold my belly while puking, but even so, I got enough of Shamals. As a Wannabe Londoner, I need my share of privacy and I want to be sure my Skype conversations are not interrupted by unusual noises that make other people wonder. There are so many other places to live in this city that leaving Shamal is a necessity.

So all the shared houses should be occupied only by single people?

Of course not. But I consider a shared house in London only a primary step towards breaking up or staying together for a long time. When you find yourself in the same lousy room after years, even if your girlfriend still holds your belly, maybe you should understand that something is wrong.

Conclusion

I’m moving. Living in your own place seems like the first step to a normal long term relationship in London, and if I can take it before that relationship? Why not? Even picking a girl in a club will be easier as long as you have some place to take her, right?

As for Shamal, I wish him well, but at some point, I am pretty sure nobody will be there to hold his head while puking…